toocuteforthisish

Today was kind of a big day.  Got some long awaited news from the company I was reaaaallly hoping for an offer from.  Long story short, I start on Monday:).  So naturally I couldn’t wait to share the news with my biggest cheerleader, MOM.  

“So….?????” she answered the phone w/o even a ‘hello’.  ”It’s official.” I replied.  ”Oh Thank God’ she sighed with relief.  Actually she GASPED with relief.  Long, heavy, arduous breathing ensued and it was as if I just informed her that they were going to be able to salvage my right leg after all.  Chances were pretty good that she had actually stopped breathing altogether between the hours I had told her that it was “likely” and “official”.  ’MOM!’ Calm Down!!  I’m gonna need you to NOT get so worked up about this stuff!.  JESUS!”

“Well I was worrieeeed!!!  And there’s a lot going on right now between the stock market and your father’s pension thanks to these Goddamn republicans!  Now I just have to worry about your sister getting the job with the insurance company.  And then hopefully neither of you will get fired before the wedding.  Have you talked to her yet today?!!?”

So this is essentially my Congratulations from MOM.  In other words, ‘Thank God you got this job because your father and I cannot afford to start supporting you AND pay for this wedding so don’t even think about asking me for help when you get fired in 3 months because we can’t possibly do it right now and then what are you gonna do without a job and a husband in this economy because did I mention we can’t possibly help you at all so are you sure you can keep this job because if something happens we can’t help you and you may become destitute and die penniless and alone and have you re-started your 401k and backed up your computer yet ????!!!”.

From: MOM

To: Me

Sent: Wed, February 9, 2011 10:19 am

Why don’t you try J date? Ester said her granddaugter found an Italian Jewish guy on there. Or surely there must be a dating sight for liberals. Also, start going to happy hours. I bet you would meet someone everytime you went out. -MOM 

Whether it’s an appeal to get Officer Danita Marsh a new house on Extreme Home Makeover or a call-to-action to boycott red seedless grapes because of their industry’s inhumane labor practices, my parents have never met a fake email chain letter they didn’t like (or forward).  This one was particularly amusing to me as it had been confirmed to be a hoax about 6 years ago.

From: MOM
To: Me
Sent: Tue, April 12, 2011 10:15 pm
Subject: Fwd: New gang tactics

DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS? Please be careful.  I’m sending an extra pepper spray for the car. -MOM

New danger while driving — please read, remember and pass this on.

There are several things to be aware of … gangs and thieves are now plotting different ways to get a person (mostly women)to stop their vehicle and get out of the car.

There is a gang initiation reported by the local Police Department where gangs are placing a car seat by the road…with a fake baby in it…waiting for a woman, of course, to stop and check on the abandoned baby.

Note that the location of this car seat is usually beside a wooded or grassy (field) area and the person — woman — will be dragged into the woods, beaten and raped, and usually left for dead. If it’s a man, they’re usually beaten and robbed and maybe left for dead, too.

DO NOT STOP FOR ANY REASON!!!

DIAL 9-1-1 AND REPORT WHAT YOU SAW, BUT DON’T EVEN SLOW DOWN.

IF YOU ARE DRIVING AT NIGHT AND EGGS ARE THROWN AT YOUR WINDSHIELD, DO NOT STOP TO CHECK THE CAR, DO NOT OPERATE THE WIPER AND DO NOT SPRAY ANY WATER BECAUSE EGGS MIXED WITH WATER BECOME MILKY AND BLOCK YOUR VISION UP TO 92.5%, AND YOU ARE THEN FORCED TO STOP BESIDE THE ROAD AND BECOME A VICTIM OF THESE CRIMINALS. THIS IS A NEW TECHNIQUE USED BY GANGS, SO PLEASE INFORM YOUR FRIENDS AND RELATIVES. THESE ARE DESPERATE TIMES AND THESE ARE UNSAVORY INDIVIDUALS WHO WILL TAKE DESPERATE MEASURES TO GET WHAT THEY WANT

Please talk to your loved ones about this. This is a new tactic used. Please be safe.

SEND THIS MESSAGE TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES TO BE CAREFUL AND AWARE OF EVERYTHING AROUND THEM SO AS NOT TO BECOME A VICTIM.

from:MOM

to:me

date:Mon, June 27, 2011 at 11:55 AM

Hi, just wanted to tell you I love you. I heard from the Indian guy. His name is Jayanta Kar. And he is all ready to go. He has his itinerarys ready I will forward you the e-mail he sent to me in response to mine telling him that he needed to have everything in place before he contacted you. Maybe you’ll  get a trip to India out of it. Love MOM

from:Jayanta kAR 

to:me

date:Tue, June 28, 2011 at 7:35 AM

My name is Jayanta Kar and I am from India your mother Lisa forwarded your email id. I was the trip leader in India when your parents were in India with OAT. I want to organise personal tour in India and I can book hotels in India with all the major chains of hotels with special rates and with different itinary according to the needs of the people and I have done it previously. In this regards I need your help so that I can contact the concern people from India.
With best wishes
Jayanta